Go TRIbal

Ok. Below is an article I wrote for www.gotribalnow.com - it's a great website. Check it out. They are also doing a profile on me in their newsletter. I'm gonna be famous-ish. The facts are these: I'm NOT going to be famous but the profile wants to link to my blog... Yeah. So. Because I'm too cheap to pay for a website and I already had this sucker up and kind of running, I have decided this will also be my Triathlon blog. Read if you wish. It will be riveting and moving and... I'll actually post on it.

So here's the article. More on it later.

How Triathlon is Saving My Life

The idea of Triathlon was first planted in my head through an uncle that had picked it up and was going wild with it. We all thought it was cool but I don’t think anyone in the family really knew or understood what it was all about. I vaguely thought it was pretty bad ass though. Fast forward a few years to an overweight, depressed, drowning woman. That was me. After a shattering end to my marriage I found myself at my biggest and at my lowest. I was surrounded by family that loved me but had no concept of self, let alone self-love.

Enter triathlon.

Everyone kept telling me to find something new to do. Find a new hobby. Learn a new skill. I toyed with everything from learning to play the cello to boxing. But one day at work I started looking at racing. Straight running has never appealed to me and probably never will so I looked into Tough Mudders, Spartan Racing, and other extreme obstacle races. This felt closer but still not quite right. Then as I was looking at local races that triathlon thing came up again. Dozens of articles later I was pretty sure I was hooked. It appealed to me on so many levels: list making, scheduling, new gear to buy. That last one in particular really got me in a perverse way. I've always struggled with impulsive spending and all of these articles kept warning and apologizing about the expense if you got hooked. New toys to buy and all in the name of fitness and doing something for myself!

I printed off four race options to take home as a surprise to my sister, Kylie. I knew which one I wanted and it was the one she immediately chose. Aspen. August 2013. It just so happened to coincide with the anniversary of my separation from my now ex-husband. It was my self-reclamation. Lucky for us it was a pool swim so it felt like we were taking things one step at a time. My sister and I started training. I had apps on my iPhone, more articles printed off and brought home to force on my sister, and a size chart indicating when I would fit into the trisuit I had decided on. 

Time passed, our training was very on and off again. As the weather cleared up we really picked it up again and started feeling prepared and scared. I had dropped 30lbs and was ready... kind of. 

Aspen.

Me and Bailey, while Kylie was "pumping herself up" in the front seat. 

My mom, other sister, niece, and dog came along with us for the weekend in Aspen. We threw our very heavy, borrowed bikes in the truck and drove off. I had read everything I could find about completing your first triathlon. We knew what to eat. What to wear. The one problem was that we hadn't managed to ride our bikes the distance of the races bike leg (16mi). Let alone with the elevation increase of the Maroon (Hells) Bells (look it up, it's a thing). This fact was haunting me and probably Kylie too but we didn't really talk about it probably hoping our sheer stubbornness would carry the day. 

Body marking. Hmm, small numbers make my muscles look so big!

We did the swim. They cut everyone off at a certain time and let you continue even if you were short. We both were at exactly 700 of the 800m distance and were thrilled as we had both shaved approximately 15 minutes off of the last time we had done that distance... Yeah. Maybe the bike leg wasn't the only one we were unprepared for. I flew through transition (all of my obsessive reading and insistence that we practice transition rearing it's head) only to face the 8mi trek up a mountain and 8mi's flying back down on a 30lb bike. I clipped in (yes, another splurge had been clip-less pedals for my bike. Oh how fancy I was) and headed out. Once the climb started in earnest I thought I had better stop and wait for Kylie. We hadn't addressed this beforehand but as we had done all of our training side by side it only felt right. Oh yeah, and I was sucking major air. She came along soon enough and as we took off again I didn't push off hard enough and tipped over with my foot stuck in my new-fangled pedal. I had a little road rash but more than that I had wrenched my ankle trying to catch my fall. I made Kylie go on while I sat there and thought "well I guess that's it". I cried. My ankle swelled up and someone came and got me after an EMT looked at it and said it probably wasn't broken. 

I quit. 

Kylie finished DFL (dead effing last) AND first in her age group at the same time (gotta love those small races). She had a medal and I was devastated. Bottom line? I could've gone on and I knew it. I should've gone on but I suppose I was still knew to this whole "I'm a bad ass triathlete" thing. There was still a large part of me that was still that fat, divorced, failure. So I quit. I went home and almost immediately went back to old bad habits. I was injured, it was the off season, and I told myself I needed a break. From what? I don't know. Living a better life I guess.

After the race on a gondola. Not doing so great.

Let's one-two-skip-a-few again here. 

Christmas. Me and Kylie were gifted the registration to a local triathlon--one of the first of the season--by our parents. I'm certain they saw what was happening to me more clearly than I did. I was not moving forward. I was going straight down. So I woke up a bit. I was thrilled with the gift. This was just what I needed. 

I got the apps back on my phone. I pulled my old-new gear out of the closet and headed off to the rec center with Kylie on the 2nd of January. The gym was packed. We had a frustrating workout. A few days later we had an even more frustrating swim. We were back at ground zero after all the hard work we had put in last summer. It was very discouraging. We stopped working out. I changed jobs. Time moved on. Kylie got engaged. Workouts were in the very far corner of my mind. I made a workout chart. A few weeks later, I made another one. Then we had a heart to heart. Is this going to happen? Are we going to do this? "Yes" I said while thinking, "I HAVE to do this". Not much changed. Oh, Kylie started working out fairly regularly. Not this guy, though. This guy started searching online for articles about going from the couch to a sprint in 5 weeks. Then 4 weeks. At 3 weeks out we finally went out to ride the bike course (a flat and easy 12 mi). We pumped up our very flat tires. Forgot our helmets. And off we went. I ended up with a skinless knee after doing the exact same thing I had done at Aspen. I tipped over. In gravel this time. I'm ok, but I suppose I'm glad I got it out of the way now rather than on race day. 

Race day is under 3 weeks away. I haven't gone swimming recently. I've biked the race course and did ok but had to take my sweet time. And I've been running exactly zero times. This is a terrible idea but I'm doing it. I'm very likely going to be DFL but I have made my peace with it. I'm scared but I know that after what happened last time what I am NOT going to do is give up. I felt like it was important to share this story now. I'm scared. I'm overweight again. I may very well DNF (did not finish) but I'm moving forward as the blogger Swim Bike Mom says. And that's what is important to me. Win, lose, or tip over, I'm going to keep going matter what happens.

Not So Delayed Review: Cirque du Soleil's Amaluna

Jackson and I went on another one of my "Best Date Ever w/a Family Member"s. We ate at Root Down. I had an amazing Sweet Corn Jalapeno Risotto and Jack got the Lamb Sliders. Obviously we shared some Sweet Potato Fries.

We then drove one mile to Pepsi Center Grounds to the Grand Chapiteau or Big Top all striped and French-i-fied.

The squinty eyes (or squiyes) is the new smize. Deal with it.

Stood outside in the sunny, rainy early evening proudly proclaiming ourselves to be the thick-skinned Oregonians we once were and discussed flagology. (Not to be mixed up with the very gruesome 'flogology' or the very bigoted... well I won't even say it. Ask my mom. She will. "Something that was OK in the 70s" my foot.)

When the doors finally opened we jumped in line to have our tickets scanned, took a quick look at the souvenirs (I bought some) and then ran back outside to wait in line for the one bathroom. No Soap... French-Canadians, man.

We then hopped back inside looked around (found a whole bunch more bathrooms) and then found our door and...waited in another line.

The cool thing about all the waiting in all the lines? They make you wish you waited in more lines in your every day life at Cirque du Soleil. There is so much to see, not to mention the impending awesomeness you know is coming your way in the show, and a certain I-don't-know-what European smell in the air. Though that last one might be due to all the sweaty furreigners warming up on the stage just curtain away. I don't know.

We then were quickly ripped from our enjoyment of the line waiting and ushered in the Grand Grand Chapiteau where we (or just maybe me) said a quick prayer of thanks that we hadn't over-paid for anything closer than we were. 'Twas perfect.

Almost got punched by a security guard for taking this picture/asked very nicely not to take anymore...

After yet another remarkably enjoyable wait of people watching and set examining and panicking for the poor people climbing along on the cat walks thousands, yes THOUSANDS of inches above my head seats were filled and Jackson was back with me to grumble about all the late comers climbing over us to their seats. BOOOOO!

Suddenly some weirdos started showing up suuuuuper late. They were either EXTREMELY into Cirque du Soleil and very talented costumers or they were performers. Ok, I'm sorry. They were performers. Perhaps one of my favorite parts of every Cirque show (please let me abbreviate it that way without being a tool... it's such a pain to type out every time) I've been to is that you're a part of the show 100%; almost like there's no backstage, or the audience are all performers as well... although that may just be wishful thinking on my part. As several women came walking by (the woman in the picture below was an especial friend of Jack's, she's from Australia... he looked it up, the creeper) in more and more freaking awesome hair, makeup, and costumes, I got more and more excited. Highlight of the opening? The bat-crazy lizard man stealing some guys popcorn in the $400 seats and climbing up one of the poles and dumping alllll over them. When he did that the guy next to me (not Jackson) was like "Oh man I'd be so pissed if they did that. That stuffs expensive." I assume the concession stands are aware that this happens and people get more for free (using that next time!) but the thought occurs to me that most people up there in those seats don't really care about a $10 popcorn... Just a thought for us poor people. How would that be? To be so rich that a $10 tub of popcorn is completely expendable!! Whoa. Mind. Blown.

She just seemed like we could really be good friends. Just saying.

So, mostly because I'm worried about that security guard cyber-punching me I will not be relating anything from the show... and also a little bit because I seem to have gone on a bit long for the first part... Weird.

If you're a freak and enjoyed this let me know, and I'll do a part deux in about..... a year. Or later this week depending on how boring life/work is.

Latres (French for "Laters")

A bientot,

Paige

Extremely Delayed Movie Review: Michael Clayton

This movie is Erin Brockovich with less cleavage. There is still cleavage. Oh yessssss. Just less. I am not going to say who provides the cleavage in the interest of maintaining some integrity in this review. I'll just say that as Tilda Swinton is the only significant female presence in the film you know it's not coming from her.

So because it was recently pointed out to me that a Spoiler Alert given after the spoiler is dropped is completely pointless here's my Spoiler Alert: This movie came out SIX YEARS AGO. Moving on.

I liked it. Mostly I enjoyed how much my dad wanted me to sit with him and watch it. :) Also I finished my puzzle midway through. Very intense. Lots of dialogue for George Clooney. Lots of close ups on his pretty eyes. Has anyone else noticed that he always looks like he has really subtle eyeliner on? It's lovely.

Things I didn't like: they killed Arthur!! Come on. I was almost out after that. I had a very hard time with this for two reasons, I believe. First, they were so cold and methodical about it and it came out of nowhere. Just ew. Second, at that point in the movie Arthur is the one I wanted to be all bad ass and take them down. He's so sweet.... except for the being obsessed with that younger girl and exposing himself... but I didn't see that part, so I'm gonna stick with him being sweet. So: NOT COOL Tilda, NOT Cool.

Overall Rating: Three Stars, one ring finger up, and mild applause.

What is Russia?

Going from staying with Corinne and Jason to staying with Isaac and Kristin has been very interesting. I've missed these boys a lot, that's for sure. Just thought I would like to share some of the funnier moments and things over heard.


-A few days ago, from the other side of the house, Kristin could be heard to say, "No more stand-up peeing for you." Poor Jimmer. You're just not quite there yet.


-Jake has a telescope that he drags around constantly. The other day, inevitably, Jake utilized said telescope in battle against Jimmer causing Isaac to impart the following words of wisdom: "Hey! That is a tool of learning, NOT a tool of war!" 


-Yesterday, it was beautiful and clear and Isaac had done some landscaping and mowing in the back yard. Jimmer and I were out enjoying the yard and the afternoon. He got himself hurt and came over and climbed up onto my lap. We leaned back and were looking at the clouds, finding shapes. I pointed to one large cloud that looked like Russia. He immediately agreed with my assessment, repeating, "Oh yeah, that looks like Russia." I asked if he knew what Russia is. He said, "Russia is a big mean man." I was fairly impressed and couldn't correct him as I'm sure there are many people with a lot more book learning than him that would say almost the same thing...When Jake came out soon after, James showed him our Russia cloud. I told James to tell Jake what Russia is. Jake laughed and said, "Russia's not a man, it's a big city!" Again, I was impressed. Less imaginative, certainly, but at least he knew the general category. 


More later.

Pop Culture Discussion: Book Learning

In doing verification searches online--you know, making sure things were spelled correctly, etc--I eventually had to decide. Do I go with the funny? (ie Dave Stockton's Putting guide or Elissa Schappell's collection of brutal short stories about the reality and ugly side of being a woman, working satirically against her title--a title borrowed from a "vintage etiquette manuel".) Just the idea of the smize line on the back of either of those books tickled me... Or do I set poor ole Tyra amongst titles that come highly recommended?

Obviously, I like to laugh. I decided for getting my cheap kicks and told myself I would follow-up that post with this one, giving my solemn vow to never read Modelland. Now, if any of you feel so compelled let me assure you that, being no stranger to guilty pleasures / absolute crap quality-wise, there will be no judgin' on this good vessel. Read away. Only let me make these few suggestions for preludes or chasers of Modelland. Very inoffensive, light fare...more or less.

If you don't take these suggestions--it's no skin of my Ashtabula--I probably won't read 'em either. I was just doing it for the children.

Boomerang: Travels in the New Third World by Michael Lewis

The Art of Fielding: A Novel by Chad Harbach

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

...ok, I'll probably read this one.

Pop Culture Quiz: Book Learning

On the back cover of which of the following newly released books out there in that vast and varied market of ours will you find the following words to live by: "Beauty is in the smize of the beholder."

1 - Blueprints for Building Better Girls by Elissa Schappell

2 - That Used to Be Us: How America Fell Behind in the World It Invented and How We Can Come Back by Thomas L. Friedman

3 - Unconscious Putting: Dave Stockton's Guide to Unlocking Your Signature Stroke by Dave Stockton

4 - Modelland by Tyra Banks

5 - A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan

Bailey is, sadly, out of the running on this one as she was my main / only source.

He-Man Nation

It recently came to my attention that I have been singing the wrong, though preferable in my opinion, words to the only song worth mentioning (that’s right I said it) by the band Filter: “Hey Man, Nice Shot”. Changing the title line to “He-Man Nation”. See what I mean? Yeah. Better. Rather than making the necessary adjustments and correcting my error, I have decided that this is evolution at it’s best—survival of the fittest. Mistakes and mutations that are better and stronger force out those that are lesser, replace those that were weaker. I rule.

Ok, He-Man Nation, I’ve set the example and now I would like to open the floor to hear your examples of wins and fails. They don’t necessarily have to be song lyrics and they don't have to be yours, though you will get extra points, as always, for any self-flagellation. What have you made better or worse…on accident…or on purpose, but seriously though…on accident?

Just serendipitous.